Our Lives of Love and Lies
by Omnicat
Summary: Duo can't take it that Relena is married to Heero, and acts it out on her. A different POV is highlighted in each chapter. This fic contains no bashing of any kind, and flames about the presented events will not be appreciated. PLEASE HEED ALL WARNINGS.
1. Not me

**Title:** Not me

**Author:** Omnicat

**Rating:** T for now, but will rise to M in further chapters.

**Genre:** Romance, Angst

**Spoilers:** The Gundam Wing TV episodes and the mangas.

**Warnings:** Disturbed characters. Mentioning of sexual situations, Bisexuality, Adultery and other Problems within a Marriage, hints of a sexual relationship with dubious consent. Some of the actions of the characters in this fic are illegal, and should not be mimicked in real life.

**Pairings:** Matrimonial Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft and Duo Maxwell x Hilde Schbeiker, hints of Trowa Barton x Quatre Winner and non-consensual Duo Maxwell x Relena Peacecraft. Strong, but unrequited Duo Maxwell x Heero Yuy.

**Disclaimer:** It's not my show. You should know this already.

**Summary:** Duo loves Heero, but Heero is happily married to Relena. Duo's POV. Can be read as a one–shot, but will have more chapters. This fic contains no bashing of any kind, and flames about the presented events will not be appreciated.

**Author's Note:** Let it be clear in advance that I do not support the Heero x Duo ship. I firmly believe that Heero is meant for Relena, and Duo for Hilde. Therefore, this fic does not express my real views on the couples. This fic is free of any Relena-bashing, and only contains a bisexual Duo. Let it _also_ be clear that I have nothing against Duo in any way (ironically, 2xR happens to be my favourite GW 'alt couple'), so there is no Duo-bashing either. Or anti-yaoi sentiments, for that matter. I may not like it, but I don't hate it either. Read and enjoy, if you dare...

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**Not me**

I call myself Duo Maxwell, and I'm about twenty-five years of age, as far as I can tell.

_I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie,_ is my motto.

I live up to it in the worst possible way. Because good liars tell the truth, or don't speak at all. They don't have to lie. And the only reason I always tell the truth, is because I'm such a good liar.

I call my best friend my wife.

I call the man I love my best friend.

You see, the man I love is an old-fashioned brave knight. The only difference between the heroes of old and Heero Yuy is that the latter doesn't wear shiny armour, because shiny armours are out of fashion nowadays. Though fashion sense is something you'd have to help him spell, anyway. And Heero might not be too tall either, but he's got the whole package otherwise; dark, handsome, mysterious, deadly, gorgeous physique, and at the core he's the biggest softy in the world.

So why isn't he mine again?

Because, like any lucky knight who has fulfilled his duty towards mankind, he got his princess in the end. And I'm only the sidekick.

We all fought in the war, but Relena Peacecraft was the one who got what she wanted after it ended: absolute peace. And though Mariemeia tarnished that, she still got the big prize: Heero.

Those two are like magnets, even when apart their thoughts can't be taken off of each other. I've spent enough time with them both to know...

I never stood a chance.

Seriously, it's not like I never tried to make a move on him. I did. Sorta.

The night after the first war had ended, so late the soldiers were finally beginning to pass out from the amount of alcohol in their blood, and early enough into the next morning for Heero to have come out of his hidey-hole in the windowsill, I kissed him. He didn't pull away. I'd shocked him too much for that. He let me enjoy our kiss, the only one I've ever been able to give him on he mouth, until, all too soon, the drunken strength left the arms I'd draped around his neck, and I slid to the floor, practically dead to the world. He picked me up a while later and put me to bed, and I tried to crack a joke about the Perfect Soldier letting me live to see the hangover, but it must have come out irreversibly slurred.

'_Don't worry,'_ he said, _'you'll get to see Hilde in the morning.'_ And the end of the war must have brought him in a talkative mood, because he added: _'I know how you feel, but she's safe now.'_

I passed out knowing that my crush on him had been a doomed love from the beginning. She'd gotten to him first, he'd been taken before I even met him.

But my love didn't die.

It never did. Not when Wufei showed up with "borrowed" security footage of Heero and Relena kissing it up backstage at a conference, not when they announced their engagement and I was his best man, not when they made me the godfather of his first child with her.

I encouraged them, even, because doing so made him happy, which gave me the feeble hope that he would eventually notice my encouragements and look at me in a different way. And I encouraged them because I was too chicken to break the heart of dear Hilde, who'd been falling in love with me more and more ever since I moved in with her permanently.

It wasn't fair. It still isn't fair. Trowa and Quatre hooked up, why not me and Heero? I've just never been able to let it rest.

What's she got that I don't, I still ask myself.

Big blue eyes?

I've got those.

Long, shining hair?

What, does he prefer blondes over brunettes?

A charming smile?

I dare say I show mine more often than she shows hers.

Does the polish of an aristocratic upbringing make my street-crafted demeanour look poor in comparison?

Phft. God knows he's had his share of Hell acclimatizing in he upper circles.

Boobs?

Can be arranged!

God, that sounded so pathetically desperate... The truth is, I just can't see it being an issue with him. I was born and bred to be a straight guy, but my early years on the street taught me not to be picky when it came to food, and I guess it rubbed off on my sexuality, because I've been ogling men's butts as well as girls' breasts ever since I hit puberty.

Whatever the reason, fact is and fact will remain that she's his all, his Earth, and I'm only a moon, a small satellite that's caught in a never-ending orbit around him. (1)

Sadist and masochist that I am, I come over to their place all the time. More and more as the years progressed, however, I've been taking Hilde with me when I go, because when I'm there, when I'm spending time with Heero like the best friends we are, almost like brothers, I can see that he's truly happy, but not because of me.

It's because of Relena, who looks at me with sad and solemn eyes and holds onto the hand Heero offers her like a lifeline.

She knows.

She catches me every time my gaze or touch lingers on him just that bit too long. She notices how fake my smile for her little baby is.

And she remembers.

The sadistic side of me revels in the knowledge that she'll never share the burden of my presence with Heero, and that she'll never be able to deny me a taste of her whenever the question 'Why? Why her and not me?' becomes too much to bear and I once again demand an answer from Relena herself, in their shared bed. She stopped crying long ago, but the dry eyes with which she looks up at me hold the grief and pain of years. I feel no pity or remorse as long as I remind myself that she's married to Heero. If I can't be happy with him, then why should _she_?

I sacrifice, so she'll sacrifice.

She'll never tell, because she wants Heero to be happy. And I'll never tell because I want Heero to be happy too, and I could cry, because I'm digging my own grave, I'm digging all our graves.

Heero loves us both, her as his wife and me as his best friend, and in turn wants us to be happy, and it would tear him apart if he ever found out.

He won't, and it hurts me so much, but I can't even cry. Because if I cried Hilde would come to comfort me, and she'd want to know why I'm crying, and Hilde can never find out. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she ever found out how I've wronged her, how I'm still defiling her love for me. She's the best and dearest friend I have, and the best wife a man like me could ever hope for.

If I cried, she would start wondering why I cry in my sleep, and she'd start wondering why the only time I'm ever completely quiet is when we make love.

Hilde, with her contagious humour and heavenly steak. Hilde, with her skinny, boyish figure, short, dark, spiky hair, and her love for doggy style sex...

If only she knew what she's asking when she wants me to make a little noise because the silence unnerves her.

If only she knew that the reason I yell Heero's name in my sleep so much more often than Quatre's or any of the others' aren't nightmares from the war, aren't nightmares in the conventional sense of the world at all.

I'm afraid to moan the wrong name...

If only she knew the reason for me to look forward to the child she's carrying. I can only hope that the birth of my son in a few months time will break the negative spiral I've been stuck in for all these years. That my love for him will finally rid me of the festering obsession with my best friend.

I can only hope she'll let me call him Heero.

Because good liars tell the truth, or don't speak at all. I want to be able to say, aloud, honestly and without fear, that Heero is the one I love more than anyone else.

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**PSAN:** Flames will be ridiculed and used to cheer myself up. Bashing might just be thrown right back at you. ConCrit is fine.

This fic was originally a one-shot, but a plotbunny got to me and forced a second chapter on me, followed by a third, a fourth, and a fifth. The next chapter of this story is when it gets ugly. M to MA rated ugly, mind. Attentive readers might already be able to guess what it'll be about. You can choose to read this as a one-shot, or take the risk of reading on. So please don't add this to favourites or alerts and stop reading _now_ if you don't want to spoil the relatively 'good' feel of this chapter. If you like this chapter for what it is, print it out or something and forget about the rest of the story.

Additional Notes

(1) _"she's his all, his Earth, and I'm only a moon, a small satellite that's caught in a never-ending orbit around him."_ A reference to the fact that Heero is from L1, Relena from Earth, and Duo from L2, which is located at the dark side of the moon. If you want to see for yourself what I'm talking about, look up 'lagrange point' on Wikipedia and take a look at the map. I had never given the position of L2 much thought until I read SilverCaladan's fic 'Infinite Grasp', so the credit for this revelation goes to SilverCaladan.


	2. Why you?

**Title:** Why you?

**Author:** Omnicat

**Rating:** M (This is a toned down version of the original MA rated piece.)

**Genre:** Drama, Angst, Tragedy

**Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** The Gundam Wing TV series and manga and _Not me_, the fic this was originally based on, now the first chapter to this fic.

**Warnings:** Rape and otherwise Disturbing Content. Bisexuality, Illegal and Traumatizing actions. Mentally Disturbed Characters. This is a slightly toned down version, as I had to comply to the rating restrictions of the site.

**Pairings:** Non-consensual Duo Maxwell x Relena Peacecraft. Marriage between Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft mentioned.

**Disclaimer:** It's not my show. You should know this already.

**Summary:** Elaboration of the most disturbing part of the Duo-Relena relationship in 'Not me'. You have to read that first in order understand the significance of this.

**Author's Note:** Writing this unnerved me. It's frightening to learn that your mind is capable of this. Getting into the head of a rapist is not a nice experience, though it has taught me some valuable things. To find yourself in the clutches of a rapist is a disaster that traumatises for life: what you are about to read is not to be considered a trifle matter. I had severe doubts about posting the chapter up, but after I wrote the third and fifth chapter, I realised it could not be left out of the story. So please, as you read, keep in mind that what Duo is going to do is very, very wrong, whatever he may think about it.

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**Why you?**

Relena had gone upstairs to put away her pearl necklace, which had fallen down from her neck without warning. The clasp seemed to have given, and she wanted to safely store away the pearls - a birthday gift from her husband - until they could be taken to a jeweller. He'd followed her through the, in his eyes, seemingly endless mansion.

That's when it first happened.

She was sitting in front of her vanity table in her bedroom when he found her, fiddling with the string of pearls. Her knees were pressed together and her ankles crossed in a graceful way that betrayed years of practice. Though the padded stool she was perched on had no back or armrests, her back was perfectly straight. A perfect little lady, even in private. She looked up at him when he entered and closed the door behind him.

"Oh, Duo. Is something the matter?"

He shook his head and kept staring at her without saying a word.

She smiled slightly, a tinge of guilt in the corners of her eyes - which was the only way she ever smiled at him - as she held up the necklace for him to see. "There's nothing wrong with the clasp. I don't know how it came loose so suddenly."

"That's great." he said finally, resting his back against the door.

"Yes, it's a relief." She looked down at the ornament in her hands warmly. "This necklace is very dear to me. I won't wear it any more, tonight, lest it falls off again and gets damaged."

A shadow fell over Duo's face as his brows drew together and his mouth set in a bitter line. It had been a gift from Heero, to show how much he loved her. _Her,_ not him. Relena put the necklace in her jewelry box and took off her earrings as well, while rummaging around in search for a different set of jewelry to match her blouse.

"So it's alright for you to go, Duo. That is, if there is nothing you need me for. Why did you come here Duo, if there's nothing wrong? Is there something you want to talk to me about?"

A ball of disgust formed in Duo's throat as he watched her tender eyes turn to him and listened to her kind words.

Heero Yuy's wife.

What in God's name did he see in her that made him smile and brought his eyes to such vibrant life? She was just another woman, one out of billions, wasn't she? Sure, Duo was just another man, one out of an equally large amount. But then why not him? Why her?

"Yeah, there's something." With a few big steps he crossed the room, so fast Relena didn't have time to take her hand out of her jewelry box before she was roughly pulled from her seat. A handful of brooches and earrings clattered to the ground.

"Duo!" she exclaimed, staggering to stay upright. "What are you -"

"Shut up." he spat. His grip on her wrist tightened as he dragged her along and shoved her to the center of the room, the open space between the bed, the closet and the table with the mirror.

"Duo, what is the meaning of this?" she demanded indignantly. Duo saw the traces of confusion and fear in her eyes, though. Fear for him, for the God of Death in him. See, she wasn't any different from all those that had fallen at his hand during the war. No different from the OZzies and Romefeller maniacs he and Heero had fought. Then why did Heero love her?

"What's so special about you?" Duo asked lowly, as much to himself as to her. "What do you have to offer him that I don't?" He looked her up and down, not for the first time, searching for anything that meant the difference between true love and mere friendship for Heero, from her dainty indoor moccasins, her stockings, the knee-length skirt she wore for the night's dinner-get together, the silk blouse, the current lack of jewelry, the put up, brownish blond hair.

"What are you saying? Duo... is this about Heero?"

It wasn't the way she dressed herself; offices, courts and parliaments all over the world were packed with her type. The way she moved, then?

Duo tried to circle her, but she kept turning around so eventually he grabbed her shoulders to make her move the way he wanted her to move. She didn't look substantially different from the back. The way she talked?

"Duo, let go of me!"

"What is it?" he growled in frustration, swirling her around again so he could see her face, ignoring her noises of protest and her struggling. "I can't see it! What is it that makes him love you?"

Her eyes widened. "Is that what this is about? Duo -"

"Maybe it's hidden. Yeah, that must be it." Duo babbled incoherently. "That's why I can't see what it is. You're covering it!"

While keeping her upper arm in an iron grip with one hand, he brushed the bangs from her face with the other. When she flinched away from his touch, he grabbed the hair in his hand and forced her head to stay up while he took in every inch of her face, from the firm yet delicate bone structure and the pointed chin, to the serious set of her eyebrows. He hated her face, he realised, hated every facet of it and the woman who wore it, the clear, expressive blue eyes that looked at him with such terrified defiance first and foremost.

"How can he love this so much?" Duo whispered harshly, through clenched teeth. There must be something else. Letting go of her hair, he let his hand drop to her blouse, where he began monkeying with the buttons. This seemed to be the final straw for Relena.

In one breath she said: "Duo if you don't take your hands off of me right now I'll scream."

Without looking up or pausing his fumbling way down the row of buttons, Duo answered: "Sure. And what's that gonna look like, I wonder? The hostess sneaking away from her guests with the excuse of a broken necklace, only to be found half-naked in the master bedroom with a man that isn't her husband, and a perfectly fine necklace. You may be a political speaker, but I'm one of the best fucking liars in the world. In the end it won't matter who they'll believe."

The tiny button wouldn't budge for his stiff, trembling fingers. He tore open her blouse and unclasped her bra in one swift movement, while Relena processed what he had just said. Before she was able to cover herself with her free arm, Duo caught sight of her breasts. They were bigger than Hilde's, which was no surprise because Hilde had always kept the boyish figure she'd had when he had first met her at age fifteen. But this couldn't be it either, because they were hardly as big as Dorothy's opulent cleavage, nor as round and firm as those of Trowa's sister with her trim body.

"Duo, please stop!" Relena hissed urgently. "You're not like this. I promise I'll keep quiet, but please stop before you do something you'll regret for the rest of your life. Heero cares for us both, it would break his heart if -"

Duo snarled. "Shut up. Just, shut up! He cares for me alright, but not nearly as much as he loves you. And I want to know why!" He grabbed both of her shoulders in a bruising grip and shook her until her head bobbed back and forth limply. "Why? Is it because you're the better _kisser?"_

Putting his hands to the sides of her head, he pressed his mouth on hers roughly. Relena groaned dazedly and Duo took advantage of her spinning head to force his tongue into her mouth. She tasted of the same wine he had drunk at dinner. When her hands encircled his forearms and started pulling weakly, he finally drew back, having found nothing and seething with frustration.

"That was nothing! Why!? Tell me _why!"_ With his greater strength, he forced her backwards until she fell down on the bed. "Is it because you're the better _fuck?"_

Before Relena could clear her head, Duo had hiked up her skirt and rolled her pantyhose down her thighs.

"No!" Relena whimpered. "Duo, no! NO!"

It was futile to try to escape; he pulled her back and pushed her down to the bed even as he unzipped his pants. Something rose up from the dark part of his mind, raising a certain part of his anatomy along with it. The distorted shadow pointed out, more clearly than Duo's humane mind had let him, where he could find the answer to the question that had been gnawing at him, tormenting him, an outlet for the accumulated frustration and anguish of years. At the same time he pumped with one hand to get an erection, he ripped off her panties with the other. Even down there she was perfectly ordinary. She struggled, kicked and lashed out at him with all the strength she possessed, but he was too strong. And part of Duo thanked God that she'd never had any instinct to scream when faced with danger, while the other howled in despair in the back of his mind.

_No-one escapes the God of Death,_ Duo thought with a sinister grin.

"Duo, stop! Think of what you're doing!" He pressed her shoulders down against the mattress and forced his knee between her thighs. "Heero -"

"Heero's never going to find out about _this."_ Duo said, putting a hand over her mouth. An agonized cry escaped her, and Duo pressed his hand down more firmly.

"I said, that Heero's not going to hear about this."

He repeated his agonizing violation.

"So shut up or I'll be forced to _strangle_ you."

He emphasised his point physically.

She glared at him with tears in her eyes, and he felt her open her mouth underneath this palm.

"Remember that Heero loves us both." Duo whispered, leaning in close to her face, distorted with two kinds of pain. A sadistic smirk played on his lips. "It would break his heart if he saw his best friend _fucking -"_ another stifled cry "- his wife, or found his wife's _corpse._ Imagine what it would do to him if you'd let the _happy, peaceful_ bubble he made around you _shatter._ Are you willing to risk a full breakdown _this_ time?"

She whimpered again and again with his every movement, and closed her tormented eyes.

She was just another woman enduring surge upon surge of ripping, smarting pain, while torturous pleasure washed through Duo with every jerk of his hips, leaving him empty and desperately craving for more. There was nothing special about her whimpers and stifled cries of pain, and as Duo's climax grew closer, his frustration grew to a suffocating black mass just behind his eyes. His thrusts became desperate tries to grasp the solution he had thought to have spotted.

"Why?" he grunted. "Why you? Why - _hngghr."_

He came in silence, the way he had trained himself, and all the accumulated anger died a miserable death as he slumped forward. For a while he just lay there, panting against her neck, and felt every sob Relena restrained in her chest.

"I just don't understand," he said eventually, rolling onto his back next to her on the bed. "why he loves you and not me."

"I didn't either." And with that, she fled into the hallway and locked the bathroom door behind her.

Duo lay still, staring blindly at the ceiling, before he got up, pulled up his pants, straightened the bed sheets, gathered the stray buttons and pieces of jewelry, dumped them into Relena's jewelry box, and headed back downstairs. He'd been up less than half an hour.

A minute later light footsteps were heard again, flying up the stairs, and Heero knocked on the bathroom door.

"Relena? Duo said you'd fallen ill."

"I guess the salmon didn't go down too well." The sound of her lie made Relena retch.

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**PSAN:** Don't say I didn't warn you.

If you found reading this to be _nice,_ or _satisfying,_ or _pleasurable,_ and/or agree with Duo's decisions, please seek mental help, for your own sake and that of everyone around you.


	3. The difference between us

**Title:** The difference between us

**Author:** Omnicat

**Rating:** M / R

**Genre:** Romance, Tragedy, Angst

**Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** Previous chapters of this fic, the Gundam Wing anime and mangas.

**Warnings:** Rape, Violence, Emotional Blackmail, Mentally Deteriorating Characters, Self-Harm. Once again, various actions performed by the characters in this fic are illegal, and others are very dangerous, so they should not be repeated in real life situations.

**Pairings:** Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft, matrimonial but one-sided Hilde Schbeiker x Duo Maxwell, non-consensual Duo Maxwell x Relena Peacecraft.

**Disclaimer:** It's not my show. You should know this already.

This part of the story is not meant to offend anyone. However, if anyone _is_ offended by my portrayal of Relena as a rape victim, I hereby apologize for the limits of my imagination and empathic abilities. I feel responsible for the effect I have on people with this fic, and felt it would be far worse to leave this out and only present Duo's side of the story, than the effects of posting this would have. Also, keep in mind that this is from Relena's point of view, and that I've tried to keep her in-character up to a certain point. Everybody is different, and nobody reacts in the same way.

**Summary:** Duo can't take it that Relena is married to Heero, and acts it out on her. Relena's POV. This fic contains no bashing of any kind, and flames about the presented events will not be appreciated.

**Author's Note:** Relena's chapter. This one is not to be skipped even if you dislike her, because it provides the _other_ side of the story, whereas the previous chapters were both from Duo's POV. Also, it contains clues you'll need to understand the next two chapters.

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**The difference between us**

I am being punished. That's what he has started calling it, over the years.

Not rape, not beating, not emotional blackmail. No, Duo Maxwell would be abhorred by such words.

Punishment, from the God of Death. Punishment for my sins. For being loved.

It's not revenge for stealing Heero from Duo, of course. Oh no, not at all. I only get what I deserve. He returns pain for pain. For every smile there must be a tear, such is the natural order of things.

His fists took a baby from me. One to have, one to lose, that was the verdict. That was the last time I really felt any of the pain he causes me. My feelings bled out of me along with my unborn child.

He was less harsh in his treatment for a while, after that. The happier Heero and Hilde are, the darker the shadow he casts upon us, while their pain soothes him. I don't feel it anymore either way. The God of Death built us a private little Hell, and there couldn't be better caretakers than the two of us, wretched creatures. I remind him not to hit me in the face, and he warns me to hide the bruises on my ribs and legs from Heero.

He once told me I would never tell my husband, and he told me the reasons I would have, the reasons I still have. It was true. The only time he ever told me the truth, marking the start of a veritable routine of 'treatments' of which I was sure I wouldn't be able to cope with at first, that convinced me I would die young.

And yet, here I am... though coping is probably too strong a word.

Out of everything Duo says, he is right about one thing; he's the best liar I've ever met. I think he even believes himself.

I don't, though. Never have and never will, because I know the truth. The truth is all I have to hold on to.

But I have doubted, oh, how he made me doubt.

Duo has never been able to figure out what it is that makes Heero love me, and in a futile attempt to find out he systematically stripped me of every illusion_ I _had about the reason why, and further, until so little of my self-respect and strength was left that I wished Heero would see how pathetic I've become and change his mind. But Heero never did, and never will.

Heero seemed to have gotten through the war better than any of us, when he first took his place by my side after the Mariemeia Incident. Yet he fell. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I never realised just what that meant, until I saw the shaking of Heero's body and felt his hot tears in my neck. Duo and I were there to help him back up on his feet, and even then, I noticed Duo struggle, saw how he was torn up inside.

At the time, I was ready to step aside and make way for the two of them, if need be. I had never let anything stop me from taking care of Heero, after all, not any risk to my life, nor the weakness of my heart.

But Heero came to _me._ I was the only one in his heart. I sometimes wonder if Heero ever even noticed, if it ever crossed his mind that Duo could love him like a lover. I wasn't able to tell. I still don't know what went through him when he first kissed me.

But whatever the reason, and no matter how it happened, Heero truly loves me. Whatever Duo says, I know better than to believe him. I found a truth, and of al the things he took from me, this he refuses to accept when I offer it to him. He rejects it outright, and beats me all the harder for it.

He's a good teacher, though. By mirroring him, I've mastered the arts of faking happiness, hiding my tears and finding excuses. It's become a second nature to me almost as much as it is to him: I don't show Duo my pain when he violates me, I construct genuine smiles from every shred of happiness I can gather from my family, no matter the desolation I feel at the sight of them, I regularly fake dizzy spells to make my bruised body less conspicuous - I'm afraid dropping myself off stairs has become a bit too trusted a routine - and my public life is full of reasons for me to crave Heero's love as desperately as I do, to need to feel his calm strength and contentment burning against my cold skin.

I show him my sorrow in innocent portions, of harmless nature and small enough for him to handle, always careful to keep the despair howling inside of me away from him. Anything to avoid the balance of support between us from tipping.

I've become so much like Duo... the brutal honesty the God of Death forced on me demands that I admit I'm not only afraid of Heero finding out because of the impact it would have on him directly, but also because I fear Heero's reaction to it towards me. Would he realise that there is still a fundamental difference between me and Duo? Or would the anger and pain, the devastation, prevent him from seeing that I only ever had his best interest at heart? Duo even robbed me of the certainty I once had about that, just like he robs me of everything else, my dignity, my faith, my happiness... even my way out.

No, that's not true. I locked myself in with the monster and threw away the key the moment I first lied to Heero, and every subsequent lie took away more of my chances to be saved. I betrayed the trust that used to bind our souls together with those fateful words. Heero did not marry a coward, yet I have proven cowardly enough to fear the look in his eyes should he learn of my weakness.

And Duo still comes frequently to plunder my empty soul and abuse my body. It feels as if I have but to stray into a corridor unguarded or he will appear from the shadows and drag me in. He won't see that if I lose much more, Heero will lose me, and everything will collapse. The constant bone-deep torment of my memories, and the knowledge that he is around and could make it happen again at any time is numbing me, leaving me hollow and unfeeling. I am a mere shadow of who I once was, the happy and content façade I uphold is an illusion that has ingrained itself into me so deeply that only a complete breakdown could lay bare the ruins of my soul now.

All I have left is the love of my beautiful family to hold on to. The rest of the world has withered away, out of my heart's reach. The anger and fear have been with me for so long that I've stopped noticing them unless the blades they have imbedded in my guts are twisted by Lady Fate and it forces me to my knees all over again. The laughter of my friends has died away, the cat's fur has matted, even he glistening of my son's eyes is beginning to dull, and my daughter's hugs are losing their grip. I can feel myself slowly slipping away; there is nothing to stop me but the support of Heero's unconditional love.

If I ever reach for more than I have now, the veil of lies will be torn and everything will be destroyed, burn away like dry leaves in the path of a beam canon.

Not even undiluted hatred and disgust can help me cope, because I can see how with every blow he deals me, the God of Death gains a little more ground over Duo Maxwell. The robbed and abandoned boy gave into the temptation of dark satisfaction during the war, and it never let him go.

I refuse to suffer the same fate. I would rather fade and dissolve like a soap bubble than saddle Heero with such a creature. I won't abandon the girl he fell in love with. I pity Hilde, who didn't even get to keep the son Duo gave her, for losing the boy she fell in love with before she ever got him.

No-one can get to that boy. I doubt even Heero could, after all these years.

I have unsuccessfully tried to reach him. I fought with my hands, my teeth, my high heels, with a kitchen knife, but he was too strong and too grim.

I tried shouting at him, screaming that he was being selfish and sadistic, that what he was doing was wrong and despicable, that he deserved to rot in Hell for all eternity. He laughed at that. He laughed until I cried that Heero would hate him forever if he knew. Then he hit me, long and hard enough to make me lose consciousness. He claimed I'd fallen down the stairs.

I tried common sense before, during, and after he abuses and molests me, I tried kissing him and making love to him when he fucked me like an animal. How filthy I feel when I think of what I found when I reached out, more so than any time Duo forced himself on me.

Anything to invoke enough emotion to break through the obsession that blinds him. To no avail.

He is doomed.

His thoughts and feelings have been tainted to the very core of his soul. The love there was for Heero has long since gotten bad. It rotted and festered inside his heart, and all that is left now is a distillate of poison, a vicious cycle of obsession.

There is no more left of him to salvage than there is of me.

I've considered throwing him out a window, or off the balcony when he came to me on the second honeymoon Hilde had insisted the four of us would go on. I considered throwing myself out that window or off that balcony. But my fate will not be so quick and merciful.

He doomed me too.

If only Duo had never fallen in love, if only I hadn't gone upstairs, if only someone had heard, if only I hadn't been overcome with terror, shock and disgust in that one crucial moment, if only... It's a cruel joke that has been played on mankind, to be given the ability to find the 'what ifs' in life, but not the power to do something with that knowledge.

I know that I'm being punished for finding love. And all I can do is hold on to it.

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**PSAN:** No matter how I look at it, I cannot help but feel that part of this fic is symbolic for how Relena-bashers treat the characters... but never mind that. I would like to apologise to my readers for upsetting them. If it's any consolation, writing this fic was not exactly a pleasant experience either.


	4. Our happiness

**Title:** Our happiness

**Author:** Omnicat

**Rating:** T

**Genre:** General, Angst, Romance

**Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** Everything Gundam Wing and all previous chapters of this story.

**Warnings:** Oblivious Heero. Perceived physical illnesses, psychological trauma and problems within a marriage. General adversity.

**Pairings:** As Heero percieves them: Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft, Duo Maxwell x Hilde Schbeiker, Wufei Chang x Sally Po, Quatre Winner x Trowa Barton, hints of not yet manifested Dorothy Catalonia x Lady Une. You know the rest.

**Disclaimer:** It's not my show. You should know this already.

Again, this part of the story is not meant to offend anyone. However, if anyone _is_ offended by my portrayal of Relena as a silent rape victim, I hereby apologize for the limits of my imagination and empathic abilities.

**Summary:** Heero's side of the story, in all its oblivion... Reader participation is necessary here, to figure the differences and similarities out. This fic contains no bashing of any kind, and flames about the presented events will not be appreciated.

**Author's Note:** Remember that this is from Heero's point of view, and that Relena and Duo are doing everything in their power to keep what's going on a secret. Heero doesn't know the truth, and his judgement is influenced by his own state of mind. This is what he makes of it...

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**Our happiness**

The wars have left their marks on all those involved. Soldiers around the globe and everywhere in space still struggle to cope with their memories today, years after the last mobile suit was ultimately destroyed. Families lost members, leaving gaps that can never be truly filled again. Up close and personal, I've seen the war's devastating effects flourish in the hard-won peace.

Wufei and Sally are in and out of marriage counselling and plans of divorce, because Sally can't bring herself to quit her job at Preventors or remove the gun from under her pillow, and Wufei is (not necessarily wrongfully) paranoid about losing another wife in combat.

Dorothy had to give up both fencing and politics because she can't control herself when faced with an opponent, and passes her days working through men and practice targets.

Lady Une has been celibate since Treize's death, and sometimes, her professional demeanour slips and she gives me the impression that the loneliness is getting to her. Mariemeia's teenage years were as bad as they get. It disappointed her adoptive mother greatly.

Quatre has come to avoid the liquor cabinet like the plague. Trowa has been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and the only reason he seems to care about anything, is for Catherine and Quatre's sake. Blood tests taken after a trapeze accident that cost Catherine her fiancé and left her in the hospital for the duration of her pregnancy, revealed that Trowa - or Triton - and Catherine really are siblings. It's always a juggle for Trowa to divide his time between his sister and cousin, and Quatre, his lover and empathic counterpart.

Zechs and Noin disappeared after Mariemeia's uprising and nothing has been heard of them since.

Hilde tells me Duo has nightmares almost every night, and he sometimes gets into dark moods in which he does and says things that make the hairs in the back of my neck stand on end. The God of Death has never left my friend, it seems. Irony has it that he and Hilde have never been able to have living children together. Hilde's body isn't able to nurture Duo's seed and create the life those two war orphans crave. Adoption proved difficult, but Duo has often enough gotten his way despite worse odds. He gave up much too easily, if you ask me. I'm concerned for Duo. He's a very dear friend to me, and I'd hate to see him lost to those dark moods. Hilde would be devastated.

Relena, my wife, became a real workaholic. She continuously overworked herself for years on end, and eventually ruined her health that way.

And me?

I watched those around me, the scant handful people I've ever cared about on a personal level, suffer from the after affects of the war and began to understand the grief I'd caused, not just to a small group of people, but thousands. Compared to the depression I fell into, my guilt trip over killing Noventa and the other Alliance peacemakers had been nothing. Nothing but another source to fuel my self-loathing. Hadn't I been the one to destroy the plane they were in? Hadn't I been the one that gave OZ such an excellent excuse to start a revolution?

I became so sensitive, so insanely aware of how fragile the human body and mind are, that I hardly dared to interact with anyone anymore, for fear of hurting them with my mere presence. I believed all the suffering going on around me was my fault, and if I'd been the same person I was at the beginning of or even midway through the war, I would have killed myself to rid the world of my presence.

Luckily, I wasn't. Relena had made it clear to me that my life was no longer worthless and dispensable, because there were now people who cared for me. Relena's unconditional love and need to see me well were both a blessing and a curse - because if I wasn't happy, Relena wasn't happy, and I considered Relena almost solely responsible for maintaining peace, so if I wasn't happy, it would jeopardize the peace. Out of all the friends I had, Relena was always most precious to me. So I came to her when the pain became too much to bear, and while Quatre said that he knew how I felt and Duo, who had also kept close to me, tried to cheer me up and everybody was just doing it all wrong, Relena asked me to tell her about it and listened to me, and still loved me after she'd heard it all. Relena's love was always all I needed to feel better and believe in myself again, and I love her with all my heart for that.

I've never been the same after that episode, and the past still haunts me, but all I need is Relena by my side to help me cope.

I know Relena feels the same way, though my love doesn't seem to have the same effect on her anymore as hers has on me. I guess it's because of me; my personality is too tainted, my heart too blemished to be able to give a love as pure as hers. But it never made her love me less. She's content with so little... But then again, what measly bit of happiness I have to offer was enough when her work still took up the vast majority of her time.

It surprised and puzzled me to learn how strongly the wars eventually turned out to have affected Relena. Grievous as the fate of me and our friends is, and harsh as it may sound, it was to be expected. Every single one of us, even young Mariemeia, had been involved in the fighting and killing of that age one way or another. Directly or indirectly, all our hands had been stained with blood. All but those of Relena. She didn't even manage to shoot Une.

And yet, her feelings of guilt turned out to be remarkably similar to mine. She felt that if she'd made better decisions, she could have avoided so much bloodshed. But unlike me, Relena was in a position from which she could directly help those she saw as her victims. Her station as Vice Foreign Minister, and for a while as President of the ESUN, made her one of the most powerful and influential people in the world, and she devoted almost all her time to rebuilding what had been destroyed during the war, and to make sure that history would not repeat itself.

She worked day and night, harder than anyone else, and never gave herself any time to rest. Though she insisted that she did not take too much work onto herself, but that the work was simply there and needed to be done, she confessed to me later on how she had realised that she hadn't dared to stop working even for a little while, because she feared rest would give the guilt the opportunity to catch up on her.

When she became pregnant of our first child - which was an amazing feat in itself, considering the stress her body was under at the time - Relena stepped down to a more modest position that allowed her to spend much more time at home, and even take much of her work home with her. For over seven years, her life had centred around her work. Now, it was time to enjoy her own life. I'm proud to say that I was the one she chose to share it with 'for all eternity'.

The first time she got sick was about four years into our marriage, around the time our second child was conceived. Our son was almost a year old at the time. At first, we thought it was an ordinary flu or food poisoning. Then, her nauseating nervousness was hard to distinguish from the morning sickness.

I had to force her to see a doctor when the complaints came back after the birth of our daughter. Relena suffered from nausea, sometimes even vomiting, and had trouble eating and sleeping. The first thing that came to everybody's minds was stress. But when the complaints started her life had been relatively relaxed compared to some other periods of time. One doctor thought of recursive stress; like a rubber band that snaps back violently when great pressure has been put on it, or a fatigue that only sets in when you've already recovered from the exertion, the stress her body had been able to ward off while she was under it, now came back to tackle her from behind.

The symptoms seemed to come in waves: I'd come home to find her ill, after which she wouldn't eat or let me touch her for the rest of the day, and sometimes the next. Over the course of the next few days she'd try to bring her eating and sleeping routines back to normal, only for the next wave of illness to disrupt them again.

Once the body-shyness passed she would be unusually tactile, wanting to snuggle close to me and have me hold her. For comfort, I guess. I'd never been used to any form of physical contact other than to sustain and inflict injuries, until Relena showed me how strong the emotional and physical effects could be. I still have a lot to learn; Relena and the kids still manage to surprise me. I'll never forget the day I turned out to be ticklish...

Maybe one day I'll understand why Relena has become so distant over the last few years. She hardly lets me touch or see her body anymore; the only time she undresses now is in the middle of the night, with all the lights off. Duo says that maybe she's ashamed of the fact that she's growing older, and her body is showing it. I have indeed seen that happen with a lot of women, but it just seems so unlike Relena... When she lets me have her, though, she shows me that she still truly loves my touch.

The time between the waves varied; sometimes she was fine for months before it resurfaced, others, she was felled several times in the course of the same month. After a while, it became clear that whatever was wrong with Relena was more than a bout of stress release. The nausea gradually passed, but she never slept peacefully anymore unless I held her in my arms all night. To this day, she refuses to take medication strong enough to help her.

Then, she became pregnant for the third time, had a miscarriage, and the spells started. With frightening and unpredictable frequency, she suffers from dizziness and faintness, all to often resulting in nasty falls. She doesn't always manage to go down right... The most worrisome thing is that the spells tend to occur after or during even moderate exertion, like hurrying up a set of stairs.

The few times she agrees to see a doctor, they can't find anything wrong with her except for the bruises caused by her frequent rough meetings with the furniture, so it must mean that her system has been permanently weakened. We figured the strain of pregnancy triggered the collapse, and gave up on having any more children.

But not just her body suffers. She cries, when we're alone. She cries so much... It breaks my heart every time I see tears well up in her eyes and she has to take what she needs from me on her own, because I don't know how to give it to her. My Relena, my strong, brave Relena, who could stare down the barrel of a gun and face a mobile suit ten times her size without batting an eyelash... it's just not fair that the kindness of her own heart, her selfless sacrifice, should cause her downfall.

And still she won't go easy on herself. Once the children had gotten old enough for school and didn't need our continuous attention anymore, she even returned to office work. It's almost like she's afraid to be alone. When the kids were still very young, she preferred to work at home, and she'd have friends over every time they were in the neighbourhood. Hilde and Duo, Quatre, Trowa or Dorothy, Sally or Catherine with their own children. Mrs Darlian and Pagan still come by almost every day. Ever since we married, I've avoided positions in the ranks of the Preventor organisation that would claim too much of my time.

Relena was surrounded by friends and family the entire time, and in her eyes I could see that it did her good. Now she is surrounded by scheming diplomats and demanding politicians again, and though she tries to hide it, it's visibly wearing on her.

No, we've never really had the perfect lives we dreamed of and fought for. The fighting is over, but the scars will always remain and some wounds will never fully heal. But can I say that I, or any of the others, are unhappy? No. The past has been blighted and will never leave us but the brightness of the present and future far outweigh that. We succeeded in creating a world for the next generation in which our shadows will serve a purpose, instead of being a burden.

Sally and Wufei wouldn't want anybody else than each other. Their constant bickering only serves to prove it.

Quatre, Trowa and Catherine form an unusual, but warm little family. Their relationship was a real eye-opener for me. Before I met Relena, love was not an issue in my life. Before I walked in on Trowa and Quatre under the mistletoe, with their hands buried in each others hair and their bodies molded together, I had never imagined such love to be possible between two men. But it made sense; I cherished the memories of the good times I had with Odin Lowe just as much as the scent of my mother's hair and her wordless lullabies. Where would the difference lie?

I have a feeling Dorothy and Lady Une might just follow Trowa and Quatre's example one day. Dorothy is a champion archer and markswoman. She has taken Mariemeia, who is beginning to quiet down again, as her protégé and is teaching her everything she knows.

Duo and Hilde love each other just as much as Relena and I love each other, and I couldn't wish for better friends than them. They love our children like they would their own. The kids consider them a second set of parents godparents should be. My little girl reminds me more of Duo than she resembles me, sometimes. She certainly has his sense of humour.

And despite Relena's tears, despite my nightmares, we don't let the bad overshadow all the good in our lives. Life, I have learned, is what you make of it. We want to be happy, with our family and friends, and we are.

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**PSAN:** Call me sadistic, go on. But please believe me when I say that I felt the same way while writing as you report to feeling when you read. This story was never really written for fun...


	5. Their lives taken

**Title:** Their lives taken

**Author:** Omnicat

**Rating:** M (R)

**Genre:** Tragedy, Romance, Angst, Drama, the usual.

**Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** All previous chapters of this fic, the Gundam Wing anime and mangas.

**Warnings:** Multiple Character Deaths through various means, Psychological Trauma to other characters, still the Rapes and Beatings, Lack of a Happy Ending.

**Pairings:** Quatre Winner x Trowa Barton, Wufei Chang x Sally Po, Heero Yuy x Relena Peacecraft, one-sided Duo Maxwell x Heero Yuy, one-sided yet matrimonial Hilde Schbeiker x Duo Maxwell, non-consensual Duo Maxwell x Relena Peacecraft.

**Disclaimer:** It's not my show. You should know this already.

**Summary:** And then, it all fell apart...

**Author's Note:** The events in this chapter go backwards in time. So instead of starting at the beginning and telling towards the ending, it starts at the last events to have occurred and goes further back in time with each paragraph.

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**Their lives taken**

"Hilde... Hilde, sweetie, please, the funeral is today." Tears glimmered in Quatre's eyes as he cupped the thin woman's face. "Wouldn't you like to say something?"

Her unfocused, opaque eyes looked straight past him. Nothing indicated that she knew an old friend was crying for her, while another old friend lay dead, waiting to be buried. Her face was slack and her every movement had to be guided.

Quatre sighed. His last hope that Hilde would recover was crushed with the passing of this last part of the tragedy they had lived for the past months. The thought that Relena and Duo had lived it for years almost made him envy Hilde for her mental isolation.

Quatre wished, with all his heart, that it would be the last burial. But deep down, he knew that Hilde had been buried alive, and that the dead would not pass away as long as she lived her dead life.

****

I-oOo-I

Hilde stared out of the window into the night. Her nurse had the day off, something the rest of the staff seemed to have forgotten; she should have been brought to bed long before that late hour. Trowa and Quatre came back home in the dead of night, Quatre crying uncontrollably and Trowa with a look of disorientation on his ashen face. She cocked her head toward the sounds as Quatre collapsed onto the carpet, heartbreaking cries wracking his body as they tore from his throat, but Trowa saw that her eyes still did not focus and knew, even in his shell-shocked state, that she didn't see them. He kneeled beside Quatre and put a comforting arm around him. The blonde's wails resounded through the house until his voice broke. The sound of sobs still filled the night when the moon's last rays crept away from Hilde's still form.

Trowa was the one to make the phone calls the following morning. It was disturbingly easy to turn his emotions off and become an embodiment of the voice of reason, as he knew he had to be careful with that.

"Wufei? Oh, hey kiddo. Can I get your dad on the line? Tell him it's about your uncle Heero. Yeah, I know what time it is where you are. Yes, Wufei, I know I woke up your kids. Hm? No, we're fine, it's about Heero... You could say that... Worse. He killed himself. Crushed his own windpipe. Yes, I understand... No. But you know Heero, ordinary straightjackets would never do for him. Wufei, please... this isn't the time for accusations... No. He'd been wandering around in that empty house for days, without eating or drinking, without sleeping. And then he found out about... No, that's another story. I'll tell you later, okay? I'm not feeling too well as it is. The place was trashed when Quatre and I got there. And he was just sitting there, surrounded by all those destroyed memories... No, I'm not turning into a damn poet. I'll explain it to you later. Don't say that. I'm warning you, Wufei, don't you dare say that. If you knew - you didn't see him, Wufei... he was already gone when we found him. He'd have killed himself either way... No, I haven't told the kids yet. Hm-hm. Yeah. No, I'll inform the others. Quatre's asleep, he's been up all night. No change. Yeah, I know. But what would you do if you and Sally had been in their position? Yeah. We'll call you back. I know you do, Wufei. Take care..."

After all the necessary calls had been made, Trowa threw a last glance at the drugged Quatre and reluctantly left him, lying on the couch, and Hilde, still staring blindly at the rising sun, to find the two youngest residents of the house.

****

I-oOo-I

As soon as the door closed behind the silent children, Trowa said: "They miss their father. They want to see him."

Quatre rested his face in his hands and his elbows on his knees. Trowa could hear the unshed tears in his words. "They can't, Trowa. All he'd tell them is how he drove their mother and godfather to their graves and how he is responsible for the fact that his - his best friend raped and beat his wife. He thinks it's all his fault, Trowa."

"I know," was the silent reply. Trowa looked at Hilde, who sat staring, blindly and mutely, at the two of them, the greatest source of sound in the room. "I never thought that one day I'd be glad Duo and Hilde never had any children. Or that Zechs and Noin disappeared after the Barton Coup. The last thing those kids need is an uncle who agrees with their father..."

****

I-oOo-I

The phone rang in the other room. Nobody was home to answer it, so the answering machine did it for them. After the beep, a dead, hollow voice started speaking. When the message was delivered there was a moment of silence, until the voice sighed, "Goodbye,", and hung up with a click that did not reach Hilde's ears. She stared ahead without seeing what was in front of her.

A few hours later, the masters of the house came back. They went about their usual activities, hanging coats, taking shoes off, walking up to Hilde to greet the unresponsive woman. Trowa was the one to press the button on the phone.

"_Quatre, Trowa... maybe Hilde..." _Quatre's head snapped up. _"I... they brought the contents of her vault today... I found her diary."_ Heero's voice sounded distant, but they could hear every ragged, uneven breath brushing over the receiver. _"I never knew... she marked the days... I never knew what those red 'X's stood for... she'd been doing it for so long... thought it was just bad days, it never occurred to me... al those times the doctors couldn't find anything, and we never thought to check for something like this..."_

Quatre and Trowa locked wide-eyed gazes. _"Her diary is old, many years... the first entry was made when our son wasn't even born... she kept it in her private safe at work, 'where I wouldn't come across it unless there was no other way'... her handwriting here is nothing like her usual... shaky, brittle..."_

There was a sound of rustling paper in the long silence, as Heero apparently leafed through the diary. _"The entries change, over time... I never knew..."_ Heero's voice caught in a strange loop that the men listening to it only recognized as a sob when he'd already resumed speaking.

Ice crept into their veins from their stomachs outwards as they clung to each other's gaze. _"He'd been doing..._ that, _to her all those years... all the times he violated her are marked down in this diary... the pages are ribbed with dried tears... it's... almost unbelievable how much she cried onto them... I've never seen her cry like that... I never knew... but it's all falling into place now."_

His tone changed at this point. Gone was the lost, wavering voice, to be gradually replaced by the flat, clipped, merciless tones of - no, it wasn't the 'Perfect Soldier' from the war. That Heero hadn't been perfect at all. He'd been flawed, had let his conditioning be compromised to enable himself to become human again. But this voice was heartless. And it was talking about the slow, agonizing death of the very heart it lacked.

"_The details are clear. There's no mistaking the evidence presented in these documents. She described his abuse, first only sexual and mental, but after a while purely violent as well. And she wrote down how she felt, and what she thought his motivations are. And how she masked the evidence of what was going on. I never knew Relena to be so ingenious. It's actually ridiculous. If half of what this diary says is true, my best friend -"_ his voice caught, and hysteria seeped into his words. _"- has been raping my wife - screwing her until she couldn't bring herself to care anymore - for over a decade, because_ he loved me. _And my wife _loved me_ too much to tell me of his betrayal."_

Heero started laughing. It was awful to hear the hysteric howls turn into sobs. It was the sound of his already battered soul shattering. _"Look at what their love for me brought them! I killed them both. It was all a lie... my life, Relena's life, Duo's life... even Hilde's life... all a lie... look what it brought us... where it took us all..."_

Trowa already had his coat back on, and handed Quatre his. They didn't need to hear the end of Heero's little speech.

****

I-oOo-I

"I'm worried about him, Cathy." Quatre confessed to the woman on the vidphone screen. "He won't return any of my calls and doesn't open the door to anyone. The housekeeper says she hasn't been permitted in in over two weeks."

Catherine put a hand to the screen in helpless sympathy. "Do you think he'll... try to do something? To himself, I mean?"

Quatre chuckled bitterly. "I don't know. He doesn't seem to be doing much of anything, at the moment. I have the house monitored, and all he seems to do is dole around the house. The last time food was brought into the house was twenty-five days ago. If he keeps this up, he won't _have_ to do anything!"

"Are you sure you don't want us to come over?"

Quatre shook his head. "If anything would be able to help us, it would be to get away from here. You'd only burden yourselves by coming."

Catherine sighed. She tilted her head to look past Quatre, and her face softened to form a sad smile. "And how's Hilde?"

Quatre looked over his shoulder to their silent listener. "She eats and drinks. She uses the restroom and goes to sleep at night. She walks with us. But only if we do most of the work for her. And she still won't speak to us."

****

I-oOo-I

Heero and Hilde were released from the psychiatric ward, though the doctors knew Hilde wasn't alright at all, and the small group of friends knew Heero was hardly better. Heero had passed all the tests and treatments on auto-pilot, in a way that was even more disturbing than his behaviour during their terrorist days. Hilde refused to speak or react to anything around her, though tests showed she was aware of her surroundings. There was nothing doctors or psychiatrists could do to help them, however, so they were handed over to the care of their friends.

Heero had been there to bear Relena's coffin to the Peacecraft family graveyard, along with Dorothy, Quatre, Wufei, and the old Pagan and Marquis Weyridge. Sally and Catherine had supported Hilde and the widow Darlian on their way to Relena's final resting place. Heero had looked down at the glass part of the coffin before the wooden lit was placed over it without any recognition, it seemed. He had ignore the diplomats, royalty and high ranked industrial figures he passed, but most prominently, he had walked by Hilde like she wasn't even there, just as Hilde walked around like none of the present time was happening.

Heero hadn't been present at Duo's funeral. The formal, polite message saying that he would not be coming had sent shivers down Quatre's spine. He had been the one to arrange the funerals, Relena's in co-operation with her mother, and Duo's all on his own, because their respective spouses were incapable of doing so. He took Hilde in when she was released from the hospital, giving her a place in his own home, a cosy room, a friendly nurse, and as much time as he and Trowa could spare. Not long after, Heero's son and daughter joined them, on their own request.

Hilde had shown her last reaction to the outside world when she saw Duo's face, empty of the spirit his virile body had once housed, plastered like a layer of wax on a head that had to be held steady on the snapped neck with a stiff, formal collar. After the funeral, Trowa reported that her lips had soundlessly formed the words _"But... that's not my Duo... it never was..."_ as she reached out a hand that would never touch more than a glass covering. When his face, too, was covered for all eternity, the perpetual tension left her face, her hand dropped limply to her side, and the life drained from her eyes.

****

I-oOo-I

"Mrs Maxwell, we can't help you if you don't tell us what's wrong." the doctor insisted.

Hilde only curled up into herself more tightly. She rocked back and forth, her hands gripping her dark hair, making it look like pale spiders were crawling over her head. Her eyes were too wide and her lips kept forming the same words, but no sound came out.

"_It's not true, it's not true, it's not true..."_

****

I-oOo-I

"She'll be delighted to see you." Hilde assured him with a small smile, one hand on Heero's arm as they slowly walked through the corridors of the hospital. "Just yesterday, she told me how much she missed you at night, and when you're at work." Heero stared ahead of him, but it seemed he didn't really see anything. Hilde said nothing more. She knew she couldn't understand how he felt right now, but Relena was her friend. She felt pain about what had happened too, and respected Heero's enigmatic silence.

Heero stopped outside the door to Relena's room, and Hilde turned to look at his troubled face. "She was glad," he muttered. "Glad that it happened, when she first woke up. 'Finally', she said. Like she was... relieved."

Hilde didn't know what to think or say. She stared at the door, unsuccessfully trying to match what Heero had said with the Relena she knew. She pushed the thought of Duo's face, darkened by emotions unknown to her, away. This wasn't the time for her own problems.

"She was delirious, Heero." Hilde said firmly, gripping the doorknob. "You know what anaesthetics can do to a person's head."

Heero didn't even give his usual non-committal grunt. He kept his thoughts to himself.

Hilde opened the door.

Duo was lying on Relena's bed. On top of Relena. And he wasn't lying still. And there weren't any sheets or clothes between them. There weren't even any cries. But that was to be expected. After all, Hilde thought, Duo never made any sound when they made love, and Relena had fallen down the stairs, broken her back, she couldn't move anymore, couldn't feel anymore. But Hilde saw, as she shifted her gaze to their faces, that Relena looked like she felt it all.

Duo's head shot up when Hilde let the door slam into the wall, and with a curse on his lips he scrambled off the bed, bringing it between him and Heero and Hilde. The caught look on Duo's face was reflected on Relena's. But while Relena's expression went from pained - the look seemed hauntingly familiar, and suddenly Hilde recognized the premature lines on Relena's face - to devastated guilt, Duo's was that of a wild animal looking for a way out.

Hilde felt Heero move past her in slow motion. An electric shock seemed to have knocked all the feeling, strength and speed out of her body, while her mind was a void where the outside world formed lightning fast echoes without getting a hold anywhere.

She saw Duo crouch and take a pocket knife from the jeans pooled around his ankles, which he held out threateningly. His mouth moved, but he made no sound. Heero came to an abrupt halt by the side of Relena's bed, and his mouth moved, and Relena's mouth moved, and Duo's mouth moved again, and then suddenly Duo shot forward and his knife was embedded in Relena's chest. And then Heero shot forward, and he landed on top of Duo, and the only thing Hilde heard of it all was _crack_, and, when Heero was suddenly by Relena's side, the voice of her old friend, _"I'm sorry Heero, I'm so sorry, I couldn't stop him, I wasn't strong enough, I'm so sorry, Heero, I couldn't tell you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."_ like a mantra, over and over again, until it all slowly died away...

Hilde heard Duo moan in his sleep _"...damn them..."_, could hear him mutter in his dark moods _"I'll get her. She got him, but I'll get her,"_ when he thought she wasn't there.

"_Heero..."_

Heero howled and Hilde shrieked.

Hilde hadn't spoken since.

****

II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II

**PSAN:** I think I'll go find myself a bunker now...


End file.
